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The Year I Learned to Text: Why Am I Having Sex with a Muslim in My Basement? (The Muslim Romance Trilogy Book 1)

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The Year I Learned to Text: Why Am I Having Sex with a Muslim in My Basement? (The Muslim Romance Trilogy Book 1)

4.85 81,389 ratings · 8,151 reviews
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Overview: The Year I Learned to Text Why Am I Having Sex with a Muslim in My Basement? Whoever said that politics and religion don’t mix forgot to throw hot sex into the equation. When Julie, a celibate post-menopausal conservative, reinventing herself in Hollywood as an actor/comedian/realtor, takes on a handsome Persian Muslim twenty-two years her junior as her boy toy, she eagerly takes flight on a magic carpet ride into the addictive chemistry of unconditional love, which eventually consumes her. Between auditioning, working on television sitcoms and movies, driving lookie-loos about the city, caring for her two dogs and one persnickety cat, performing her stand-up routine, and making vain attempts at keeping her familial relationships from collapsing, Julie, a retired court reporter and empty-nester mother of three, slips into her busy life erotic meetings in her basement with Ali, who claims to be an Internet marketing entrepreneur. In the light of scented candles, Julie comes of age and is awakened sexually by the black-eyed bad boy, who does not want to touch her in certain places, and who ritualistically washes his penis in her bathroom sink immediately after contact. Too soon he becomes her life, a life she senses has come and gone too soon. Late in life, she has learned patience: Ali is always two hours late to their trysts. He is on Persian time. The Hollywood Bungalow Mews, in which Julie lives, is a recurring character; each resident having his and her opinion of the goings on at Julie’s Spanish six hundred and forty foot brothel. However, no one has ever witnessed Ali’s comings and goings, which leads Julie to wonder if, in deed, she hasn’t simply invented him, in light of the ongoing political climate and The War on Terror. When he invites her to join him to live in a cave in Afghanistan, she begins to believe his anti-American pillow talk. An American citizen born in Iran and an honor graduate from UCLA, Ali bemuses our heroine with the contradictions of his Islamic religion, his hypochondria¬¬¬, and the exact whereabouts of his apartment. Julie feeds her bewilderment with hours spent Googling everything Middle Eastern, always a Cuba Libra and cigarette to steady her. Quickly she learns more about Islam than she ever wanted to know. Her new knowledge of Female Genital Mutilation has her legs crossed in a clenched position. Ali’s hatred toward anything American begins to frighten Julie, who dreams of contacting the FBI or the CIA in an attempt to save him from himself, Natasha Fatale and friends close at hand. Her immediate family—a successful model and television actress daughter, a successful know-it-all divorced sister, and an obnoxious, Pollyanna mother on the edge of dementia—each have their own advice to stir up the cauldron of Julie’s frustrations. In an effort to loosen from his grasp, Julie buys a second home to renovate, a foreclosed vintage cabin in the mountains, to which she runs in her feeble attempts to find herself in between mini-breakups from the Muslim sociopath, who continually bounces back into her Hollywood bungalow basement. Julie at last frees herself, and after one year of soul-searching and never-before experienced depression, she finds him once again on her doorstep asking for her hand in Marriage Islam Style, the threat of three more wives looming on the sand-swept horizon. Can Julie walk away?

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Published March 3, 2011
ISBN 33978296
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Juliet Montague
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After spending years working in the corporate world, Juliet Montague finally decided to pursue a lifelong passion for writing. They currently reside in a quiet suburb where they spend most of their time outlining new stories, reading extensively, and occasionally attempting to bake.

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Steven Martin
Steven Martin June 02, 2025
Absolutely brilliant. It strikes a perfect harmony of dialogue and world-building. Every chapter felt necessary. I will undoubtedly revisit this masterpiece.
Amanda  Parker
Amanda Parker August 06, 2025
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Masterpiece from start to finish. The author orchestrated a breathtaking finale. Truly a work of art. A true literary gem.
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I was completely blown away. I became deeply invested in the protagonist's journey. A masterclass in storytelling. I will undoubtedly revisit this masterpiece.
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A profoundly satisfying read. I became deeply invested in the protagonist's journey. A masterclass in storytelling. I will undoubtedly revisit this masterpiece.
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Such a rich narrative. The prose is exquisite. It’s accessible yet undeniably sophisticated. I will undoubtedly revisit this masterpiece.
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Exceeded all my expectations. The author orchestrated a breathtaking finale. Truly a work of art. An absolute must-read for connoisseurs of the genre.
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Honestly one of the most premium reading experiences lately. It strikes a perfect harmony of dialogue and world-building. Every chapter felt necessary. A true literary gem.
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Absolutely brilliant. I became deeply invested in the protagonist's journey. A masterclass in storytelling. An absolute must-read for connoisseurs of the genre.
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Such a rich narrative. I adored how the story unfolded. It kept me captivated without sacrificing elegance. A true literary gem.
Carol Wilson
Carol Wilson June 09, 2024
Masterpiece from start to finish. I became deeply invested in the protagonist's journey. A masterclass in storytelling. I will undoubtedly revisit this masterpiece.
Michael Hall
Michael Hall February 01, 2025
Took a moment to build, but the payoff was spectacular. The middle had a deliberate pace, but the climax was phenomenal. I would highly recommend this to discerning readers.
Daniel Martin
Daniel Martin April 21, 2025
Honestly one of the most premium reading experiences lately. It strikes a perfect harmony of dialogue and world-building. Every chapter felt necessary. A true literary gem.
Robert  Parker
Robert Parker February 01, 2025
Exceeded all my expectations. It strikes a perfect harmony of dialogue and world-building. Every chapter felt necessary. A true literary gem.
Mark Ramirez
Mark Ramirez June 24, 2024
Masterpiece from start to finish. I adored how the story unfolded. It kept me captivated without sacrificing elegance. I will undoubtedly revisit this masterpiece.
Brian Phillips
Brian Phillips July 29, 2024
A highly sophisticated read. The middle had a deliberate pace, but the climax was phenomenal. I would highly recommend this to discerning readers.
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Melissa Collins September 18, 2024
A very strong entry. Beautiful writing, though I craved slightly more depth in the lore. Still, undeniably engaging. Quite impressive overall.
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Sharon Hall November 27, 2024
Such a rich narrative. The pacing was impeccable and the characters felt incredibly authentic. I was completely immersed. Worth every moment spent reading.
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Sarah Smith May 12, 2025
A very strong entry. Beautiful writing, though I craved slightly more depth in the lore. Still, undeniably engaging. I would highly recommend this to discerning readers.
Jessica Johnson
Jessica Johnson June 28, 2025
Masterpiece from start to finish. It strikes a perfect harmony of dialogue and world-building. Every chapter felt necessary. A true literary gem.
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Absolutely brilliant. It strikes a perfect harmony of dialogue and world-building. Every chapter felt necessary. An absolute must-read for connoisseurs of the genre.
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Joseph Hernandez September 17, 2024
I was completely blown away. The prose is exquisite. It’s accessible yet undeniably sophisticated. An effortless 5 stars.
Jessica Clark
Jessica Clark September 15, 2024
A profoundly satisfying read. The pacing was impeccable and the characters felt incredibly authentic. I was completely immersed. I am now a lifelong fan of this author.
Ryan Reyes
Ryan Reyes March 30, 2025
I thoroughly enjoyed the elegance of it. It held my rapt attention, even when certain twists were telegraphed. A wonderful companion for a quiet weekend.
Carol Garcia
Carol Garcia June 30, 2024
Exceeded all my expectations. I became deeply invested in the protagonist's journey. A masterclass in storytelling. A true literary gem.
Edward Johnson
Edward Johnson April 13, 2024
Absolutely brilliant. It strikes a perfect harmony of dialogue and world-building. Every chapter felt necessary. An effortless 5 stars.
Kevin Roberts
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I thoroughly enjoyed the elegance of it. The protagonist was compelling, though some subplots felt slightly overshadowed. A very distinguished novel.
Andrew Turner
Andrew Turner January 12, 2024
Took a moment to build, but the payoff was spectacular. Beautiful writing, though I craved slightly more depth in the lore. Still, undeniably engaging. I would highly recommend this to discerning readers.
Mark White
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Exceeded all my expectations. The author orchestrated a breathtaking finale. Truly a work of art. I will undoubtedly revisit this masterpiece.
James Flores
James Flores December 04, 2025
A profoundly satisfying read. The author orchestrated a breathtaking finale. Truly a work of art. Worth every moment spent reading.
Anthony Sanchez
Anthony Sanchez October 19, 2025
I thoroughly enjoyed the elegance of it. It held my rapt attention, even when certain twists were telegraphed. I would highly recommend this to discerning readers.
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Mary Adams July 08, 2024
A profoundly satisfying read. It strikes a perfect harmony of dialogue and world-building. Every chapter felt necessary. I will undoubtedly revisit this masterpiece.
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Rebecca Walker February 22, 2024
It was adequate. It verged on repetitive in the second act. A more concise edit would have served it well. Suitable if your reading queue is empty.
Kimberly Moore
Kimberly Moore April 14, 2025
Exceeded all my expectations. The author orchestrated a breathtaking finale. Truly a work of art. I will undoubtedly revisit this masterpiece.
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Cynthia Williams January 01, 2024
A profoundly satisfying read. The prose is exquisite. It’s accessible yet undeniably sophisticated. An absolute must-read for connoisseurs of the genre.
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Kenneth Diaz April 18, 2024
Honestly one of the most premium reading experiences lately. The pacing was impeccable and the characters felt incredibly authentic. I was completely immersed. An absolute must-read for connoisseurs of the genre.
Anthony Martin
Anthony Martin July 08, 2025
Exceeded all my expectations. The prose is exquisite. It’s accessible yet undeniably sophisticated. An absolute must-read for connoisseurs of the genre.
Barbara Nguyen
Barbara Nguyen December 07, 2025
A very strong entry. The protagonist was compelling, though some subplots felt slightly overshadowed. I would highly recommend this to discerning readers.
Jacob Lewis
Jacob Lewis February 25, 2025
Masterpiece from start to finish. The pacing was impeccable and the characters felt incredibly authentic. I was completely immersed. An absolute must-read for connoisseurs of the genre.
Betty Reyes
Betty Reyes October 06, 2025
Masterpiece from start to finish. It strikes a perfect harmony of dialogue and world-building. Every chapter felt necessary. An effortless 5 stars.
Margaret Walker
Margaret Walker October 05, 2025
Masterpiece from start to finish. I adored how the story unfolded. It kept me captivated without sacrificing elegance. Worth every moment spent reading.
Patricia Torres
Patricia Torres December 21, 2024
Honestly one of the most premium reading experiences lately. I became deeply invested in the protagonist's journey. A masterclass in storytelling. A true literary gem.
Daniel Williams
Daniel Williams August 02, 2024
Such a rich narrative. I became deeply invested in the protagonist's journey. A masterclass in storytelling. An absolute must-read for connoisseurs of the genre.
Susan Young
Susan Young February 24, 2025
Masterpiece from start to finish. The pacing was impeccable and the characters felt incredibly authentic. I was completely immersed. An absolute must-read for connoisseurs of the genre.
Sarah Reyes
Sarah Reyes November 19, 2024
Excellent, though slightly flawed. Beautiful writing, though I craved slightly more depth in the lore. Still, undeniably engaging. A solid 4 stars from me.
Robert  Davis
Robert Davis February 27, 2025
Such a rich narrative. The pacing was impeccable and the characters felt incredibly authentic. I was completely immersed. I am now a lifelong fan of this author.
Sandra Thomas
Sandra Thomas August 31, 2025
I thoroughly enjoyed the elegance of it. Beautiful writing, though I craved slightly more depth in the lore. Still, undeniably engaging. A wonderful companion for a quiet weekend.
Emily Smith
Emily Smith September 16, 2024
Honestly one of the most premium reading experiences lately. The author orchestrated a breathtaking finale. Truly a work of art. I will undoubtedly revisit this masterpiece.
Sharon Rodriguez
Sharon Rodriguez February 01, 2025
I thoroughly enjoyed the elegance of it. It held my rapt attention, even when certain twists were telegraphed. I would highly recommend this to discerning readers.
Michelle Cruz
Michelle Cruz January 08, 2024
Masterpiece from start to finish. I adored how the story unfolded. It kept me captivated without sacrificing elegance. A true literary gem.
Christopher Turner
Christopher Turner January 27, 2024
A highly sophisticated read. Beautiful writing, though I craved slightly more depth in the lore. Still, undeniably engaging. A very distinguished novel.
Eric Hill
Eric Hill October 11, 2025
Excellent, though slightly flawed. The middle had a deliberate pace, but the climax was phenomenal. A very distinguished novel.
William Wright
William Wright December 15, 2024
A very strong entry. A brilliant concept executed with flair. Just a few pacing choices I would change. A wonderful companion for a quiet weekend.
Joseph Ramirez
Joseph Ramirez May 20, 2025
Exceeded all my expectations. The pacing was impeccable and the characters felt incredibly authentic. I was completely immersed. Worth every moment spent reading.
Edward Carter
Edward Carter January 13, 2024
A very strong entry. The protagonist was compelling, though some subplots felt slightly overshadowed. A wonderful companion for a quiet weekend.
Dorothy Young
Dorothy Young December 26, 2025
Absolutely brilliant. The pacing was impeccable and the characters felt incredibly authentic. I was completely immersed. A true literary gem.
Stephanie Wright
Stephanie Wright June 21, 2024
A very strong entry. Beautiful writing, though I craved slightly more depth in the lore. Still, undeniably engaging. I would highly recommend this to discerning readers.
Paul Green
Paul Green January 12, 2025
A highly sophisticated read. A brilliant concept executed with flair. Just a few pacing choices I would change. A very distinguished novel.
Patricia Nguyen
Patricia Nguyen September 17, 2025
Excellent, though slightly flawed. A brilliant concept executed with flair. Just a few pacing choices I would change. A very distinguished novel.
Anthony Martin
Anthony Martin April 22, 2025
Honestly one of the most premium reading experiences lately. The author orchestrated a breathtaking finale. Truly a work of art. I will undoubtedly revisit this masterpiece.
Cynthia Williams
Cynthia Williams January 12, 2025
Excellent, though slightly flawed. The protagonist was compelling, though some subplots felt slightly overshadowed. A solid 4 stars from me.
Kenneth Ramirez
Kenneth Ramirez March 05, 2025
Masterpiece from start to finish. The author orchestrated a breathtaking finale. Truly a work of art. An effortless 5 stars.
Gary Allen
Gary Allen October 28, 2025
Such a rich narrative. It strikes a perfect harmony of dialogue and world-building. Every chapter felt necessary. An effortless 5 stars.
Jacob Lewis
Jacob Lewis September 09, 2025
A profoundly satisfying read. I became deeply invested in the protagonist's journey. A masterclass in storytelling. An absolute must-read for connoisseurs of the genre.
Betty Lee
Betty Lee June 06, 2024
Exceeded all my expectations. The author orchestrated a breathtaking finale. Truly a work of art. Worth every moment spent reading.
Betty Moore
Betty Moore August 14, 2024
Such a rich narrative. The prose is exquisite. It’s accessible yet undeniably sophisticated. A true literary gem.
William Adams
William Adams July 18, 2024
I was completely blown away. The prose is exquisite. It’s accessible yet undeniably sophisticated. I am now a lifelong fan of this author.
Donna Nelson
Donna Nelson August 19, 2025
Exceeded all my expectations. It strikes a perfect harmony of dialogue and world-building. Every chapter felt necessary. Worth every moment spent reading.
Jessica  Davis
Jessica Davis September 11, 2024
A very strong entry. It held my rapt attention, even when certain twists were telegraphed. I would highly recommend this to discerning readers.
Nicholas Hall
Nicholas Hall September 17, 2024
Absolutely brilliant. The prose is exquisite. It’s accessible yet undeniably sophisticated. I am now a lifelong fan of this author.
Betty Reyes
Betty Reyes January 06, 2025
I thoroughly enjoyed the elegance of it. Beautiful writing, though I craved slightly more depth in the lore. Still, undeniably engaging. A very distinguished novel.
James Hall
James Hall September 20, 2025
A very strong entry. A brilliant concept executed with flair. Just a few pacing choices I would change. Quite impressive overall.
Jacob Phillips
Jacob Phillips April 14, 2024
I was completely blown away. It strikes a perfect harmony of dialogue and world-building. Every chapter felt necessary. An effortless 5 stars.
David Thompson
David Thompson March 11, 2025
A highly sophisticated read. The protagonist was compelling, though some subplots felt slightly overshadowed. I would highly recommend this to discerning readers.
Emily Gonzalez
Emily Gonzalez October 11, 2024
Masterpiece from start to finish. I became deeply invested in the protagonist's journey. A masterclass in storytelling. An absolute must-read for connoisseurs of the genre.
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